 There are times in my life when I want to talk to someone about my career. Not just the usual, “How’s your job going?” “Very well, thanks” conversation.
But the kind of dialogue that helps me to frame where I am in my career, gives me an objective sounding board and an opportunity to evaluate what is working, as well as conceptualize what could be done better. The desire to connect on this level has followed me through my various iterations of career, from a full-time job in a company, to my stay-at-home period, and is still ever present as I manage the work-from-home scenario. This is certainly not a need that is unique to me. Anyone who’s worked in a professional world in some capacity has undoubtedly had an opportunity to engage in and benefit from these kinds of conversations. The media is awash with articles about the benefits of formal mentor relationships, and although they will not always put you on the direct trajectory to the corner office, most of us know that having one or two strong formal relationships in place at the office are a good idea (whether the corner office is something you desire or not). So, it follows that if having a mentor is so beneficial, then we should be trying to establish these relationships when we embark on our career journey. But, where? And how do we target the right people? In a large organization, the opportunities can seem endless. You may not need to lift you head far beyond your desk. In fact, often time, a mentor will find you. In my 20s, working in a company of 3000 plus employees, I had access to a cadre of experienced colleagues who were eager to guide me. My first boss was highly conscientious and worked hard to ensure that everyone who reported to her was happy in their career path. She guided me day-to-day through hands-on learning, touching base frequently on projects, providing constructive feedback and stretching me to build more technical skill. She also created a framework for on-going discussions about my career, having monthly lunch meetings where we could talk about broader concerns and the visions I had for my long-term career at the organization. She was someone that I liked and respected, and I considered myself lucky to have her in my corner. This may not be everyone’s experience, but it is likely that you too at some point have worked closely with a boss or a colleague whom you wanted to learn from. At the same time in my career, I had another formal mentor. The organization I worked at valued career development, and frequently rolled out programs – such as the mentor program -- that helped its employees grow professionally. My mentor was a senior executive from another area. Every month we would meet to discuss the broader organization and he would give me insights into different areas, and tried to help me figure out my next move. Like with my boss, I enjoyed the structured nature of these meetings. Both of these colleagues, whom I greatly respected for their expertise, invested in me by establishing the structure to help me succeed. Although years later, my career took a very different turn, for the period of time that I worked closely with my mentors, I benefitted greatly from their objective advice and was motivated to learn and grow. These relationships taught me the importance of having someone in your corner as you navigate your career trajectory. Since then, I’ve thought sporadically about this issue. I no longer work for a large organization. Now that I work on my own, these types of relationships and conversations are much harder to come by. I do not have a formal mentor. It is completely up to me to reach out to someone who’ll offer objective advice and guidance. The comfortable cocoon of an organization with its hierarchy of bosses and mentors is gone. As any “solopreneur”, or independent business owner, I have to find my own way. This thought has been coming and going for a few days. Then, one day last week I received a message from a dear old friend. I’ll call her L. These days we touch base infrequently. If I recall correctly, the last time was months ago. And when we do talk or see each other, the conversation usually drifts to family and kids. Happy to hear L’s voice, I listened to her message. She said she was calling to say hi and also to chat about career stuff. We’ve now spoken twice, at length, about a dilemma she is having at work. We made plans to speak again soon. I did what I do in all of my coaching sessions – I listened, asked questions to better understand the situation, and when asked, provided objective advice. And then, it hit me. Wasn’t this the kind of mentor conversation I’ve been thinking about? I feel grateful for the trust and respect that L showed me by reaching out. But, I also feel grateful for the lesson learned in our exchange. Somehow, I’ve forgotten the underlying principle of mentorship. Was it the kind of formal relationship I’ve been reminiscing about in my head? Was a mentor necessarily someone who worked inside the walls of a big organization? Did it have to be a colleague who had established him/herself in the same industry? When you type in “mentor” into the on-line dictionary, a definition pops up. A mentor is an experienced and trusted advisor. And then, an example: “he was her friend and mentor until his death in 1915”. Thank you Webster’s. And thank you for the phone call, L. Next time, I need to chat about my career, I won’t hesitate to call you – my good friend – whom I trust and respect deeply – for a bit of mentoring and guidance.
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A few days ago, on the way to school my girls started talking about what they want to be when they grow up. Until recently, their horizon of available options included only one of two career paths: a painter or a ballerina. But, suddenly something shifted in their field of vision and a range of new possibilities appeared.
My older daughter triumphantly declared that she is going to be a doctor. Half expecting that my younger daughter would say she wants to be a doctor too, I was pleasantly surprised there was a twist to that story. My youngest was going to be a vet. Then, just as suddenly as the spark lit, it flickered. My 5 year-old hesitated. She started to become upset. Maybe she didn’t want to be a doctor after all? Maybe she would be an artist? Or could she be an artist AND a doctor? In her hesitation I saw a wish to not have to decide…she was afraid to limit herself to one choice. What if she made the wrong one? I reassured her that those were both great options, and yes, if she wanted to, she could do both. She had lots of time to decide, and while it was ok to feel scared, she shouldn’t let that get her stuck. She just needed to explore to learn what was most exciting for her. I feel that it is my job as a parent to not only help my kids discover their interests and passions, but also help them acquire the social and emotional tools to turn their dreams into reality. The fickleness of a 5 year-old will pass and one day my daughter will settle on a career. But, I predict that either before or after she makes her choice, there will be periods when she feels uncertain, stuck, or paralyzed about what to do with her life. And at those forks in the road, the outcome will largely depend on how she handles her doubts and indecisions. As a career coach who works with people in transition, I am used to dealing with this state of emotional paralysis. Change is scary, especially when you don’t have a clear goal in mind. Although I’ve worked with people with different personalities at different stages of transition, virtually everyone at one point or another has some fear that blocks them from moving forward. Many are afraid to take a wrong step and to make a ‘mistake’. Recently, I participated in a webinar ran by a fellow career coach entitled “How To Make a Change When You Don’t Know What You Want To Do”. It seemed like a misnomer at first, because I thought as typical wisdom goes, it’s much easier to make a change when you can clearly articulate what you are moving towards. But her message was not about getting clarity but about taking action. It ‘s not that it isn’t important to get clarity. It is. But for those of us who struggle to define our next role, she counseled, it was better to do something, even fearing failure, rather than do nothing at all. She then laid out a plan on how to network when you weren’t sure exactly what to say. I enjoyed the webinar because of the perspective it offered. It was a good reminder of what we often forget as adults. With our need to get things right, we can forget that making mistakes is a necessary part of the learning process. When we remember that we can discover a lot more when put our fears aside, as we often remind our kids, we get closer to our dreams. We will all make mistakes – that’s for certain – and it will not be the end of the road but the beginning.  A few weeks ago, I did an informational interview for a young woman from my alma mater. She was in between jobs and was interested in learning more about working at my old company.
Our interview proceeded in a fairly typical fashion. She had prepared a number of questions and wanted to hear about my experience working at the company, as well as general information about different groups and the overall culture. We spoke for about a half an hour, and at the end I told her I would try to connect her with someone else so that she could continue networking. As our conversation was concluding, she said she had one more question. She’d read in the alumni database that I was a career coach, and wanted to get some advice… “How do I stay motivated?” was the question she asked. She told me she has been looking for a while and that a couple of times she came close to getting a job. She went through numerous interview rounds, followed up religiously, and then heard nothing. Once she made it to the top two, but after a couple of months of waiting, she realized that she was back at square one. It was utterly demotivating to feel that she wasted time and had to begin the process all over. It is natural to feel defeated when experiencing setback after setback. Even if you manage to keep your head above water, some feelings of doom and gloom are inevitable, at least temporarily, no matter how many job search strategies you implement. That’s why, after you go through your laundry list of job search to-dos: 1. Figure out where you fit in and what you are looking for 2. Set specific and achievable daily goals 3. Network, network, network 4. Re-charge and seek support The most important thing you can do is CONTINUE TO BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. There is a popular Russian toy that perfectly exemplifies this principle. It is the ubiquitous Vanka-Vstanka – a roly-poly toy with a weight at the bottom-center that stands back up whenever knocked down. The exact translation means “Ivan, stand up”. Under a different rubric but with the same underlying mechanics, these dolls are popular not just in Russia but all around the world. And while we are not made of plastic, with human emotions that ebb and flow amidst the deep complexity of our lives, we are more resilient than we sometimes feel. If we manage to stay centered to our anchor, we can always find our way back upright, Vanka-Vstanka style. A few weeks after our initial call, I heard back from my fellow alumna. After continuing to network, she had an interview lined up for later that week. Way to go, Vanka.  Most of us love to receive compliments, or other type of positive feedback. In the professional arena, this can take the form of direct praise on a job well done, or more indirect pats-on-the-back reflected in promotions, offers of new opportunities, or invitations to exclusive member clubs and events. It’s motivating to be recognized and appreciated.
Few of us, however, are enthusiastic about the feedback that’s laced with negative as well as positive tones – what’s known as constructive criticism. That kind of feedback is harder to swallow, yet without it, few of us could improve or get to the next step. Harder still, is making the choice to actively seek it out. Who wants to know what others perceive them to be lacking in? Even the most open-minded of us would be tempted to put up our defensive shields. But it’s your general attitude about how you frame these kinds of interactions – from putting yourself out there to be ‘criticized’ and ultimately, to whether you implement the changes suggested by others -is what determines how expansively you navigate your career trajectory. I was lucky to witness this type of attitude in action last month at a professional development workshop run by the New York Chapter of the Association for Talent Development. The workshop was designed to help attendees develop an effective elevator pitch. There was an audience of roughly 25 at various stages of their careers. Some were contemplating new opportunities in the near future and wanted to sharpen their ability to convey ‘who they are’ in a networking setting. One woman in particular stood out. She travelled from Boston for the night to attend the workshop. Everybody else was local. We broke out into small groups to write out our story. Then, a couple of volunteers were asked to present in front of a larger group. The Boston woman stood up. She worked in a large IT department in a role that interfaced between developers and the company’s end users. When she got up to speak, it became clear why she was seeking feedback. IT lingo permeated her story. She couldn’t translate what she did into layman’s language. When she finished the look around the room was one of confusion. She wanted to gear her message to the general public. At prior networking functions, she explained, she tried to communicate what she offered with too much granularity, ultimately losing her audience. Collectively, the group offered suggestions on how to simplify her message. A couple of other people got up to share their pitch, but the majority preferred to stay silent. Then, the woman from Boston raised her hand. She wanted to go again. She incorporated the feedback that we had given her and wanted to practice her new story. When she finished, the group applauded. I suspect the applause was for her determination and open-mindedness, as much as for her new and improved product. As a sole practitioner, I now recognize just how important and beneficial this type of feedback can be. Not having to submit my work for review to anyone, I now miss the lessons imbedded in that kind of an exchange. It wasn’t always fun to hear, but it was necessary for my growth. Witnessing another individual embracing constructive criticism with such aplomb was inspiring. It’s made me honestly ask myself, “How do you take feedback?” I won’t lie – I would prefer mine sweetened. But, every so often, I will endeavor to take it black to give me that extra strong boost. |
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