 The other day, in my daughter’s bedroom, I came across a book she received as a parting graduation gift from pre-school, “The Blind Men and the Elephant”.
If you haven’t read the story, it is an old Sufi fable about six blind men who, having never met an elephant, go to the prince’s palace to find out what the elephant is like. When they get to the palace, the prince’s guard lets each of the men touch the elephant. Later, while resting, they begin to discuss what they experienced, but the discussion dissolves into an argument. The men are in disagreement about what they “saw.” The first, having touched an elephant’s side thinks the elephant is a wall. The second touches the trunk and thinks the elephant is a snake. The third and the fourth touch the tusk and the leg, and think the animal is a spear or a tree, respectively. The fifth touches the ear and thinks it’s a fan, while the last is certain the elephant is a rope, having touched its tail. Only with the help of the wise prince, who comes to help resolve the argument, are the men able to recognize the full truth – that the elephant is really a combination of all the parts they touched. There are many different interpretations to the story, but the one I keep coming across and that resonates the most, is the idea that our personal experiences are inherently limited to our own viewpoints, but that the objective truth can be discovered or understood if we open up our worldview to include the perspectives of others. At the time my daughter received the book, I thought it was a bit pre-mature. After all, what 5 year-old is able to grasp the complexity of this moral? 5 year-olds are fundamentally self-focused in their perceptions of the world around them. It is difficult for them to see things from another’s point of view. Sure enough, after she and I read the book a couple of times, it was discarded to the back of her bookcase. My daughter moved on to more exciting literature like “Captain Underpants” and “Beezus and Ramona”. I, on the other hand, have come back to it a few times over the past year, and as this season of graduations just rolled past us, I found myself thinking of it again, and starting to appreciate the foresight of the pre-school gift. These turning points remind me of the deep feelings of excitement and uncertainty as one life chapter ends and another begins. What is around the corner? What new experiences and lessons will the new chapter bring? What challenges will we need to overcome? As we move on to new life phases, from early age to adulthood, we build and deepen our understanding of ourselves and the world around us. We do it by slowly opening up our worldview to encompass that of others. My 5 year-old, who today is sure she has all the answers, will realize soon that having an inflexible, rigid approach can only weaken her ability to solve problems, and to experience life in all of its richness and diversity. Today, she has many blind spots. She has to travel a long way to see the many dimensions of life. Today, when problems and misunderstandings arise, she insists she alone is right. Today, when she has not yet faced any real life challenges, her thinking is at best cute, at worst a bit frustrating. Tomorrow, it will be profoundly limiting. Tomorrow, I hope she discovers that although she may never have all of the answers, if she learns to listen and accept others’ diverse viewpoints, she will be closer to the wisdom and truth that many of us seek to attain. And perhaps if all of us learned to do that, in our collective wisdom, we would be so much better equipped to consider life’s many clear and hidden problems, those elusive elephants in the room.
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How Picking Up a New Hobby Turned Out to Be Fertile Ground for Some Important Life Lessons4/21/2016  Spring is the perfect time to begin a new chapter. New buds are popping from the trees excited by sunshine. Plants, birds and people have woken from the winter slumber and come together outdoors to celebrate this time of year.
Are you freshly excited to try something new? Perhaps a new job is on the horizon? Or maybe you’ve just begun to think about making a change. Are you moving, or thinking of trying a new hobby? Or, perhaps you’ve decided to turn your hobby into a business? Whatever your situation, spring is the time of renewal. I, too, have decided to try something new. I am a city girl that has recently been transplanted to the suburbs. I have very little knowledge about the great outdoors, and until recently I have never had to worry about a back yard. This is certainly not a source of pride, and neither is the fact that I have never planted anything in my life. So, given my new circumstance, I have decided that it’s time to change the status quo. I have decided that this year I am going to learn how to plant a garden. Or, at least a couple of vegetables and berries. Easier said than done, but I have committed and I don’t want to let myself down. So, I am diving head first, and even though I’m just at the cusp of the planting season, I’ve already accumulated a few lessons learned. First of all, learning something new is terrifying I am realizing that as far as my gardening knowledge-bank is concerned, I am not just at zero, I am quite possibly in the negative. Until recently, I didn’t know where to buy the potting soil. Perhaps I am a bit afraid of my efforts being a flop, but mostly, I am hesitant because I don’t know where to start. To say the least, this is overwhelming and somewhat terrifying. Taking small steps will give you the confidence to move forward It’s been a while since I picked up a new hobby, and I’ve forgotten what it feels like to push yourself into new territory. My 6 year-old is starting to ride a bike, and she is a bit scared. I’ve tried to tell her what to do to best keep her balance. But then I realized she needs to do it her own way – she needs to first get a feel for her bike. To spend some time just sitting on it, with feet on the ground. This will give her the confidence to begin pedaling on her own. Small steps. Like her, I am spending more time outdoors, just looking at the garden bed. Getting familiar with what it looks like. Learning the names of the flowers that were planted there before. Trying to discern the difference between weeds and plants. I am being mindful about the experience, and it is helping me take the next step in the process. Having a detailed plan will set you up for success If you are planting this year, now is the time to start planning ahead – to start thinking about what you want to plant, buying the seeds, and doing some prep work on the garden bed. As a novice, I am learning that there are specific steps I need to take, now, and again when the soil warms up enough for the seeds to grow. Plant too soon, and the garden will not take. I am learning what I need to plant, how much water and sun exposure the seeds will need, how much space to allocate, how to weed, and about the importance of soil quality. I am doing prep work like a good job hunter before her networking conversations and interviews. Don’t get discouraged when things don’t go according to plan Things won’t always go according to plan, and I am already seeing the warning signs. Apparently, I am not the only one who likes to smell the flowers and munch on fresh garden goodness. The cute bunny family that we “adopted” as our outdoor pets are already starting to cause problems. I’ve just had to shoo one off the yard, and I know it’s just a matter of time until he comes back, and brings friends. I am trying not to get discouraged, but I know what will really help is not to wish them away, but to buy a garden net. Steady work pays off and makes you feel fulfilled As much as I want to see quick results, I am learning to be patient and to take it step-by-step. I know that if I am careful and steady, my work will eventually pay off. In the past couple of weeks, I have already learned more about gardening that in the previous 40 years. Above all, this has taught me the most important lesson to date – a new challenge is fun and it’s making me happy to stretch beyond my comfort zone. To be continued…  There are times in my life when I want to talk to someone about my career. Not just the usual, “How’s your job going?” “Very well, thanks” conversation.
But the kind of dialogue that helps me to frame where I am in my career, gives me an objective sounding board and an opportunity to evaluate what is working, as well as conceptualize what could be done better. The desire to connect on this level has followed me through my various iterations of career, from a full-time job in a company, to my stay-at-home period, and is still ever present as I manage the work-from-home scenario. This is certainly not a need that is unique to me. Anyone who’s worked in a professional world in some capacity has undoubtedly had an opportunity to engage in and benefit from these kinds of conversations. The media is awash with articles about the benefits of formal mentor relationships, and although they will not always put you on the direct trajectory to the corner office, most of us know that having one or two strong formal relationships in place at the office are a good idea (whether the corner office is something you desire or not). So, it follows that if having a mentor is so beneficial, then we should be trying to establish these relationships when we embark on our career journey. But, where? And how do we target the right people? In a large organization, the opportunities can seem endless. You may not need to lift you head far beyond your desk. In fact, often time, a mentor will find you. In my 20s, working in a company of 3000 plus employees, I had access to a cadre of experienced colleagues who were eager to guide me. My first boss was highly conscientious and worked hard to ensure that everyone who reported to her was happy in their career path. She guided me day-to-day through hands-on learning, touching base frequently on projects, providing constructive feedback and stretching me to build more technical skill. She also created a framework for on-going discussions about my career, having monthly lunch meetings where we could talk about broader concerns and the visions I had for my long-term career at the organization. She was someone that I liked and respected, and I considered myself lucky to have her in my corner. This may not be everyone’s experience, but it is likely that you too at some point have worked closely with a boss or a colleague whom you wanted to learn from. At the same time in my career, I had another formal mentor. The organization I worked at valued career development, and frequently rolled out programs – such as the mentor program -- that helped its employees grow professionally. My mentor was a senior executive from another area. Every month we would meet to discuss the broader organization and he would give me insights into different areas, and tried to help me figure out my next move. Like with my boss, I enjoyed the structured nature of these meetings. Both of these colleagues, whom I greatly respected for their expertise, invested in me by establishing the structure to help me succeed. Although years later, my career took a very different turn, for the period of time that I worked closely with my mentors, I benefitted greatly from their objective advice and was motivated to learn and grow. These relationships taught me the importance of having someone in your corner as you navigate your career trajectory. Since then, I’ve thought sporadically about this issue. I no longer work for a large organization. Now that I work on my own, these types of relationships and conversations are much harder to come by. I do not have a formal mentor. It is completely up to me to reach out to someone who’ll offer objective advice and guidance. The comfortable cocoon of an organization with its hierarchy of bosses and mentors is gone. As any “solopreneur”, or independent business owner, I have to find my own way. This thought has been coming and going for a few days. Then, one day last week I received a message from a dear old friend. I’ll call her L. These days we touch base infrequently. If I recall correctly, the last time was months ago. And when we do talk or see each other, the conversation usually drifts to family and kids. Happy to hear L’s voice, I listened to her message. She said she was calling to say hi and also to chat about career stuff. We’ve now spoken twice, at length, about a dilemma she is having at work. We made plans to speak again soon. I did what I do in all of my coaching sessions – I listened, asked questions to better understand the situation, and when asked, provided objective advice. And then, it hit me. Wasn’t this the kind of mentor conversation I’ve been thinking about? I feel grateful for the trust and respect that L showed me by reaching out. But, I also feel grateful for the lesson learned in our exchange. Somehow, I’ve forgotten the underlying principle of mentorship. Was it the kind of formal relationship I’ve been reminiscing about in my head? Was a mentor necessarily someone who worked inside the walls of a big organization? Did it have to be a colleague who had established him/herself in the same industry? When you type in “mentor” into the on-line dictionary, a definition pops up. A mentor is an experienced and trusted advisor. And then, an example: “he was her friend and mentor until his death in 1915”. Thank you Webster’s. And thank you for the phone call, L. Next time, I need to chat about my career, I won’t hesitate to call you – my good friend – whom I trust and respect deeply – for a bit of mentoring and guidance.  Last month I wrote about the importance of reinvention. And again, when I sat down to write this month's blog, the concept is still on my mind.
In our ever changing world, reinventing our life has become more and more of a necessity as each of us struggles to keep pace with the advent of new technology, the rapidly shifting job market, and new ideas of what society deems possible for both women and men. Reinvention has almost acquired a hip quality. If you don’t make a career shift at least once in your life, you run the risk of being left behind, of not keeping up with the times. Still, radical change is not for everyone, whether financially or emotionally, and many who stay with one career throughout their lives can say they are lucky to have found the one path that fulfills and challenges them for years. I know, as just one example, many of those who dedicate their lives to teaching would agree. But those that choose to, or have to, make a change must be nimble as they adjust their lives and priorities to new realities. Having a carefully laid out roadmap, while also being flexible as you transition to your new life, are paramount. Are you looking to make a change? Do you know others that have? These days, it seems, if it’s not you transitioning, it is likely someone you know or someone you recently met. I recently had a good fortune to meet someone who made such a leap. I found his story interesting and inspiring so I thought I’d share it here, although I have changed his name and omitted some details to protect privacy. Last month, my husband and I got a rare weekend away from the kids. We decided to not go far, rather spending our time together in a quiet way in the countryside. We drove a couple of hours north of the city. Imagine a quaint artsy community in a picturesque setting on the banks of the Hudson River. It is a buzzing town in summer time, as many visitors come up from New York, wanting a respite from the city for a few days. In the winter, though, the town is quiet. The coffee shops, stores and restaurants are mostly empty. The stillness of the town offered us a perfect opportunity to recharge. We booked a room at a B&B that was a short walk to the center of town. It turned out that we were the only guests that weekend – the B&B, a beautifully restored Victorian from the turn of last century, was all ours for 2 days! Our host, Steve, was welcoming and warm. After the initial introductions and a bit of chitchat about what the town had to offer, Steve left us to settle in. The next morning we were alone in the breakfast room as Steve prepared our meal. Feeling at home in his cozy house, we began to talk about our lives. Where we are from, what brought us to town, and what brought him there as well years before. We told him that we were considering taking our girls to Disney World for the first time. Disney – where dreams come true – would be a perfect getaway for our 4 and 6 year-olds. Funny coincidence – Steve said that he used to work for Disney, in a publishing division. No, a B&B proprietor was not his first career. He worked for Disney for many years and, lucky for us, was full of useful information and tips. Always curious, I wanted to know more about him! How did he transition from media to hospitality? How long ago? Why a B&B? He told us the transition was not a quick one, but one he was sure about. This town was his weekend get-away for years. He loved spending time here and wanted to make it a home but the two-hour commute to New York was not for the light-hearted. At first, he continued to be a weekender, but over time he made a decision to settle here permanently. He fell in love with a fixer-upper Victorian in his neighborhood that offered a lot of potential as a bed-an-breakfast. Still, through shear determination and maybe a bit of magic, he continued to commute to New York for 5 more years, as he finished the renovations. Not quite a Disney fairy-tale. Or is it? The Disney publication he worked on is no longer in print – the readership dwindled as more people turned to the Internet. But no matter! Steve has found a new calling. He is still making people happy. But his service is now personal, the information he shares more tailored. If you are looking for a home away from home for a few days, you’ll find it when you enter his B&B. He’ll do his best to make your wishes come true. |
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